There’s a stranger in our house.
I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror and turn away. I’m not ready to face her yet.
My husband comes up behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. He steers me back to the mirror.
I don’t know who that girl is but she doesn’t look like me. My hand creeps to my head, feels the stubble of the bald stranger before me.
My face pinches. I’m going to cry.
“You’re beautiful,” he says, kissing the side of my head.
I don’t feel beautiful.
My left arm is still dotted with bruises from the chemo treatment. Not as bad as a heroin junkie but it will be if I don’t get a port placed in my chest.
Nurse Chubby Cherub insists. .
“This isn’t working,” She runs her fingers over the veins in my left arm. “Your veins should be pliable. Feel this.”
I do, gently. The veins are hard, swollen. Painful.
Still, I’m reluctant.
Dr. Stephen, the general surgeon I met in the ER when this whole debacle started, is going to do the surgery.
We meet with him a few days prior. He asks me about the abdominal pain that brought me into the ER.
“It’s still there,” I shrug. I hate to say I’ve learned to live with it but I have. It doesn’t seem to be a high priority, given the situation. “By the end of the day, my bellybutton pops like a turkey timer.”
Dr Stephen inspects it. “That’s a hernia. Classic indicator.” He presses. “Does this hurt?”
Sharp intake of breath– Wait. No. it does not hurt. Whew!
“It’s a small one,” he confirms.
“Will it go away?”
“Generally no, not without surgery.”
Great. I’ll add it to the list.
“Still doesn’t explain the right abdominal pain.”
Right… “How about a ruptured ovarian cyst?”
“You have one?”
Of course I do. I nod. “Just had an ultrasound done.”
He frowns. “What does Bruce Lee think?”
“He thinks it could be referral pain from the mass behind my stomach.”
The truth is, he doesn’t know.
No one seems to know what the pain is that sent me to the ER. It could even have something to do with the point of origin (POO), which is where the cancer originated but for some reason, didn’t choose to grow.
This has been the great mystery — Where’s the POO?
Located in my gastrointestinal tract, so it seems. Hey, I’m not above sophomoric jokes at this point.
In some ways I’ve been reduced to the bratty teenager whenever it comes to a new medical order, another test or slicing my chest open to place a port so the chemo can flow straight into my jugular.
I don’t wanna!
I really don’t want a port. It looks like an ugly stump that doesn’t even have the decency to pass as a third nipple.
“Body paint,” Glenn says. He grins.
Not funny, honey.
Ok, maybe a little.
Some GI Jane I’m turning out to be.
There are days I do look in the mirror and get a glimpse of her. Days I feel strong and I know I’m going to beat this.
Those days no one would even know I have cancer if it wasn’t for the shorn sheep look I’m sporting. I’m lifting weights, busting out cardio and getting stir crazy on cabin fever with garbage bags and a dust rag.
But when my blood counts plummet following chemo or my hope is spiked with disappointing test results, all the air whooshes out of my balloon and I’m a scared kid surrounded by nurses and doctors with needles and IVs, taking my temperature and checking my blood counts to see if I fall in the normal range.
Nothing about this is normal.
Normal is surfing with my husband, even if we are a cue-ball couple now, bobbing out there in the sea.
Normal is being admitted to beaches and trails for Mother Nature Therapy– No, I’m not living in normal and neither are you, my friend.
Last week I was feeling somewhat normal, even hopeful, but as soon as Bruce Lee entered the room the air begin to seep out of my joy balloon.
All I could see were his eyes over the mask but it was enough.
Something was wrong.
“I have the results of your CT scan…” he said. “The chemo… It’s not working as we hoped. A couple of the nodules in your lungs have shrank, but there are also two new ones. And the mass behind your stomach has actually grown…”
The air screeched out. What?
Now, we’ve gotten to know Bruce Lee a bit better, even got him to laugh a few times. He’s warmed up to us or we’ve warmed up to him. Either way, I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
Bruce Lee was seriously bummed. So were we.
“The mass…” Glenn cleared his throat. “How much has it grown?”
“About 20-25%. So it’s not like it’s 50% or anything…”
Still…
So let me get this straight. I gave up coffee, diet soda, sugar and even my hair and the mutherf** chemo is not working?
Yep, that’s where I went.
If this isn’t going to work I want my coping mechanisms back, my addictions and all those things that have made me feel like rebellious teenager me since I can remember.
Except alcohol. It’s been over 8 years since I had a drink and I know that will kill me faster than the cancer.
The rest I want NOW.
I hear Bruce Lee tell us we’re doing a new chemo treatment–
I’ll come up to the office for initial treatment and they’ll fit me with a pump that will deliver a continuous drip of chemo over the course of two days.
Good thing I got that damn port installed. Yes, it hurt and and yes, it’s as ugly as I thought it would be.
Then again, I haven’t painted it yet.
I guess the good news is, I get to do the majority of chemo at home.
The bad news is, I get to do the majority of chemo at home.
Like all of you, I’m home enough.
I feel a great big “WTF?” welling up but the GI Jane in me says, “Deal with it. It could be worse.”
She’s right. It could be.
Let me say that again — It could be worse.
I’m asymptomatic which is a positive word any day, whether it’s cancer or COVID-19.
But even worse, much worse, would be going through this alone.
Thanks to you, I’m not alone.
No way could I be this strong alone.
There’s a possibility this new cycle of chemo drugs won’t work either.
Then what?
Then I cross that bridge when I get there. And I’m taking all of you with me. I hope you have a strong stomach, my friend. Because the teenager in me feels like doing some sand donuts at high speed along the way.
You got this beautiful! The ups, the downs you really are a real life GI Jane. I hope the pain goes away soon, i know they can wear on a girl. You continue to inspire us all with your dedication to continuing your fitness and your strength in fighting this. Thank you for sharing your story. I am praying for your daily. Sending you lots of love
Sweetie you are an inspiration. Lord God, you are omniscient and merciful. We pray that you would bring your strength and healing to Valerie. Touch her body with your healing hand and take all those foreign cancer cell and completely banish them. Keep her in the palm of your hand . In Jesus’ name Amen.
I love you sweet girl. Amen.
Thank you my lovely Zebra friend.
You got this!! I know you Vals! You are strong and will conquer this! I do hope the pain goes away and will pray extra hard for that and for a speedy recovery girl! I love you and can’t wait to see you and hug you when your through all of this and feeling back to yourself. I want to see you surf. You are inspiring to so many and continue to take care of yourself though you may not feel like it every day. Lean on those of us who live you and your dear hubby ❤️ Big hugs and love to you my dear friend.
I love you Debs. Coming to town hasn’t been the same without seeing my girls. Coming for that hug when all this is over xoxo
Such fun to see your writing and actually picturing you through it all. I’m here for the long haul so I’ll take this ride with you wherever you go! You know you have a whole fighting army behind you ready to take this on and fight the fight! much love and aloha my friend ❤️❤️
I know you are, girl. And I adore you!!
I just love you my friend. You are beautiful with or without hair because it’s your heart that shines, and that’s what’s blinding. You’ve got this. When you don’t feel like it push thru.
Let me know what your needs are. Big hugs. I’m praying for you.
You’ve been a light in the storm. I love you my friend.
Valerie, there are times, like about 45 minutes ago, where I want to shrivel up into an embryo and either disappear or super nova my emotional shit all over the room. This day is fucked up but it’s also beautiful, dare I say a gift? I don’t know…all I can say is that YOU are a gift and your story gives little old me hope. You, GI Jane, are leading us troops in battle. And I am a willing follower. Keep leading, Wonder Woman.
Super nova that shit — beautiful! lol Every day is a gift, sun on our face, rain on our skin. I look forward to seeing your lovely face shining out of that flight deck soon. Miss you girl.
You’ve got this! Hingst family is sending hugs. Please let us know if there are any needs we can help with! This stallion family loves you! ❤️❤️
I love the stallion family! Thank you sweetheart.
You’re too cool a gal for this, but that’s why you will beat it too! With a port, at least you’re not getting stuck each time. You’re a beautiful, comedic writer, I’m loving it. Got my arms around you darlin. Love you lovely lady, hair or no hair. Here’s a funny thought, maybe it will grow back curly!
That’s what they tell me! In the meantime I’m amassing some pretty fun wigs, Easter pink and Sammy Hagar wild. Thanks for holding me in your arms my friend.
i honestly dont know what to say… val, if anyone can do this, it’s you. you have what it takes please fight-I’m with you literally, every step of the way-we all are
Your words and your support give me the strength to fight. I know you are sweetie. Love you girl.
Val you are such a beautiful person inside and out . Your writing is heartfelt!! You have an army of love
Pulling for you .. you truly are a gift!! If you need anything I’m here !! Love to you and your wonderful husband !!! 😇🤗🤗❤️
Love you Mary. I know you’ve had your own battles and you’ve come through a shining star. Thanks for your sunshine.
I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through in this fight of your life against cancer. It’s not fair that you have to do battle like this but cancer picked the wrong woman to mess with! Everything you’ve already conquered in your life has me confident that you’re gonna kick cancer’s ass! I’ll be praying for you, for you and your husband who is going through this with you. Keep on fighting!
Thank you for your confidence, Tanya. It inspires the same in me!
Yes, you are the amazing Val that is fun loving, crazy, thoughtful, kind, beautiful, a creative writer and much more. You inspire me personally and so many others that are reading your “How Ya Like Me Now” message. You are a real trooper and that stupid cancer is not going to win!!!! You have lots of people that have been praying for you and I know that you are special to everyone that knows you and to God. Love you girl!!!! Joyce
Joyce, you are such a light and a joy. Thank you for giving so generously of your laughter and love. We are so blessed to share time with you. Love you!
Wow Valerie you give me strength! You’re candidness and honesty touches me so much! I have to admit I’ve been feeling afraid lately but reading this makes me realize cancer or the Corona virus can’t defeat us! Love you girl!
I feel afraid too at times but you have lifted me up so much — I’m so glad I can do the same for you. No virus or illness can defeat the human spirit. I love you, girl.
Hi Val. You are in my thoughts and prayers each day! Your writing is so real, so honest and so brave. You, my friend, are amazing for so many reasons!!! ❤️❤️❤️ Love, Stacey
Thank you for coming along for the ride, Stacey. When all this is over I hope to get to know you better. You’ve always inspired me from afar ; )
Hello my beautiful, funny Libra buddy. You have been a joy and a light since the day we met. My favorite Val quote, “can you please just stop talking until I have just one cup of coffee?” “Please!” Ha! You’re the best!! I want you to know that everyday around 3p I put on worship music and pray for you. You have made me a better person because of what you are sharing. You are amazing and I love you!! You got this girl. 😘❤️
Ha! That was STILL me up until I quit coffee a few months ago. Ooh, that wasn’t pretty. Thank you for your prayers, libra buddy and always putting a smile on my face. I’m so happy for the joy you’ve found in your life — much deserved. I love you, girl!
Wow!! You are amazing!! But we all have known that for along time!! Your beautiful soul has touched all that know you and we are blessed to know you! Thank you for sharing your story , especially during this crazy time! Please know we are all behind you and “we are all in this together!! Bless you sweet Val! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers !! Xoxo ❤️🙏❤️
Aww, thank you Debbie. I feel so blessed to have such beautiful people in my life who have my back. Thank you for coming along on the journey with me!
Val I am sure you are beautiful with or without hair, you have had a hard road already but your strong and even when you feel weak your stronger than most, I’m praying for your healing and peace and that you begin to get good news that turns into great news! God bless you both through this storm!
Ah, thank you Debi Tucker. It’s been a long while since we’ve seen each other and it gives me joy to hear from you now. Thank you my friend.
Wow, I really love your writing Val. I feel like I am right there in the aqua colored 50s hair salon-style recliner next to you. Some people journal their experiences for personal therapy…lucky for us you’re putting it all here for us to see. Your husband is right…you’re beautiful, and you are showing us just how strong and smart and gorgeous you are with these entries. Keep up the good work and keep knowing you are very loved.
Brent, you’ve been on the front lines of this fight and I feel honored you’re taking the journey with me now. Thank you for your beautiful words. They inspire me to keep writing, my friend.
So glad you got the port. Its Only temporary. Im sorry youre going through this during a freaking pandemic!! And we cant all stop by to keep you company and give you a big hug but know that were all here for you!!
That’s what I miss the most — the company and the hugs. I don’t know if I planned it right or wrong but I gotta say, not a lotta of FOMO going on right now lol ; ) Love you girl. Thanks for your sharing your strength and experience with me!
Sending you ❤️!! One moment at a time my friend. Feel all the feels. They are all real and valid. Wish I could give you a huge hug!
Valerie all the love and support you need is here, in your circle of friends….your family…. it’s in you And together we will fight… keep positive you are the most beautiful kind loving strongest woman I know….
Reach out any time…. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Jersey girl. I know you are going through your own trials. Hold onto the love all around you — it will see you through my friend.
Feeling the feels… Not my favorite thing to do when the feels are no fun ; ) Thanks for sharing your strength and hope with me, my friend. Unlock the door to happiness…
Val, so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Your strength, beauty and wit shine through. As I read your story, I could hear your laughter and see your beautiful smile. Hang in there beautiful Sending you lots of love and positive energy.
Thank you sweetheart.
My Dear friend, I cherish you, I miss you and the times we were roommates. You are so strong and at moments weak…. we all feel that way at time. But girl you got a lot of fight in you. You can Do This!
With such a wonderful man by your side. I love you so much…. more than you will ever know. I long to hear your laughter God Bless you my Sister
Jewels, you and I have been through some sh–, girl. And we’re still here, still laughing and loving because that’s what we do. Times like this I wish I could hold a slumber party with friends like you in footed pajamas and just be in the moment with reckless abandon. I love you and miss you my friend.
Love you my sweet friend! I’m so proud of you documenting your journey. As hard as it is you’re going to and are helping and encouraging so many that are going through tough journeys in their lives. Thank you for being you and vulnerable and putting your life out there. I know so many of us are touched and blessed by you. Even though there is isolation and quarantine during this time you are reaching so many of us through your words.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Cling to His promises He has for you.
I love you beautiful friend. I can’t wait to see you and just hug you! Soon.
Staci, you’ve been such a rock. I think of that phone call we had when you told me I needed to document what I was going through —
I’d thought about it but didn’t know because honestly, who wants to go on a journey through cancer if they don’t have to? But I did and others have come along on the journey far more willingly than me! I thank you my friend, for your support and encouragement and faith — Always you’ve held the faith for me. I love you, girl. Looking forward to that hug xoxo
Hi Val, thinking of you. Sending you love and prayers. You are one strong amazing beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing with us. You are not alone.
Love and hugs to you. ❤️🙏🏼
Thank you, Sandy. Just hearing I’m not alone helps far more than you know. Love and aloha my friend.
Valerie, I’m sure you’re still as beautiful as you always have been! Sometimes strong is the only choice you have… You have this one! Love and healing hugs to you!
You’re right — You don’t know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. Thank you, Michelle xoxo
Hey LOVE ❤️, love your energy, your spirit and your ❤️. You got this!! Sending Hugs and kisses. Always. In my prayers. God is watching over you!
Robyn
Thanks for getting me through RT with your quiet strength and friendship. Love you, girl.
I’m telling you right now, you kick this cancers ass. This world is a better place with you in it. And I don’t want to know a world without you. I have always been in awe and amazed by you. Always a little jealous of your life. You are so beautiful inside and out. And the world needs you. Fight like hell Val. If anyone can beat this, you can. You amazing, q, courageous, fearless and shining spirit. I owe the universe a debt I can never repay for bringing you into my life. Many Bright Blessings my friend.
🌛🌝🌜
Aww Ang, you touch my heart. You’ve seen the rewards after a long, hard struggle and this is another one. I’m not fearless — I feel afraid and I keep putting one foot in front of the other because I have no other choice. There’s no answer for me in the darkness. I hope to see you soon, my friend. I wish I could hug you right now.
Hi Val! I have been following along and I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this journey right now. I’ll get to the point, just watched a show tonight on one of the educational channels and they were talking about how Cuba is leading the War in cancer treatments …I just wanted to pass it along . If your interested please let me know and I will send you the information and the medications name …Cuba and Roswell Park are working together in cancer treatments for Stage four cancer patients. Blessings to you my friend and stay strong.! You se amazing
Hi Patty. Yes, please. I would love all the information you can give me. I’m open to all possibilities at this point. Great to hear from you my friend. xoxo
Valerie,
You are in mine and Eds prayers daily. I always knew you were a bad ass strong woman no matter what. My heart dies everytime I see your Dr. walk in and tell you truth. I was so happy when you got married. It seems your life even went up another level. God bless you and maintain your strength. I have seen miracles and you are one.
Love ya S and E
Wow Valerie – That’s a whole lot and on top of everything else going on in this crazy upside down world! Thank you for sharing and giving us a glimpse of your beautiful self during such a difficult time. I pray for God to give you all the strength you will ever need to keep fighting this and for your perfect and quick healing. And kudos for remaining alcohol-free during the whole thing and going forward! I too have been alcohol-free (30 years now) and I know that even if the world is ending I will never drink again. You got this! ♥️ Blessings, Cheryl Goff
That’s it, I’m ordering a pink wig!! 💗🌸💗🌸💗🌸.
Love you, you got this!! 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿 Always 💗
I am praying God please heal Valerie. Every cell that does not belong would cease to exist and be banished quickly. Most merciful Father Thank you in Chris Jesus.
I am thankful you are sharing your life experiences through writing. I am touched and inspired in ways I wish not to write about.